Khakis Shorts and Pleats Oh My!

I was just outside running a few errands and admiring the newly planted red tulips up and down Park Avenue then smack... guys in khakis, white pants, shorts, and pleats. I wanted to go up and urinate on their legs while we waited for the 'walk' sign. "Ooops. Sorry. My bad. You can Shout that out. "

Being a dandy, one is naturally a bit of an iconoclast so rules are exercised on whim. But there are rules that even dandies must keep and insist that other's uphold as well and one of them is no khakis or linens before Memorial day. I don't know why that rule was created. But some traditions seem instinctually correct, and thus, one should respect and try to uphold... like going home for Thanksgiving. It's a show of respect for tradition. Shows that even in this hectic dog eat dog land that we live in today, we shall endeavor to keep ourselves anchored to some traditions worth keeping and keep degeneracy at bay.

One Spring day on my first year as an Analyst at an investment bank (Merrill M&A), I wore a poplin khaki colored suit to work. One of the VPs there saw me and said hi nicely. Then equally nicely he said, "Fred, no khakis before Memorial Day." I was stupefied. It was the first time that I was ever told something like that. I was embarrassed and couldn't wait for the day to end and go home and put the suit back in the closet for at least another month. But I believed in my heart of hearts, that the VP was right. There's a time and place for these things... decorum.

Once I did the Gilded Age tour with my ex in Providence, Rhode Island. The Great Gatsby with Robert Redford was shot there and we visited that mansion and more. In one of the tours, there was a plaque in front of the solarium where the original residents breakfasted and the plaque discussed in detail that while the people summered there, they would often change their outfits 4 times a day... for the morning, for the afternoon, for the evening, and for the night. I was impressed by that. It showed what can happen when boredom conjugates with extreme wealth. I change twice a day. For work and for play. I think that most people do. I think. But I see so many people now a days dressing the same 24/7. Guys-- shirt and jeans/khakis, Girls-- alittle more diverse but by a hair. Even when they go out. "Hey, let me put on these Diesel jeans on tonight. It's a special night."

Anyway, when I see guys wear Khakis, etc. before Memorial Day, I can immediately tell their socio economic station. Girls, I can usually tell which part of the country they are from by their ensembles and that alone usually tells me their socio economic status. I can even tell the girls apart who have been here in Manhattan for a couple of years who are mimicing "Sex and the City' or 'Gossip Girl' look. It's like my fashion gaydar and it's frckn state of the art. Perhaps, more accurately speaking, I consider my eyes to be like a bar code reader tied to my own wikipedia brain, not organs as is with most folks. I thank the gods that my friends have the same ability.

I experiment alot with my friends (incldg. my bar staff while we're out having a smoke outside) to see if my calibration is in line with reality. I tell them "look there, see those girls..they are not from here. That's West Coast (or that's South)." Then I have the friend go up to them and ask where they are from and 9 out of 10 times, I'm right. I can also spot Europeans immediately.

Remember in the Silence of the Lambs when Clarise Starling first meets and interviews Hannibal Lechter in the super max. prison? He approaches the glass very cordially then looks at her then starts to sniff through the perforation on the glass. Then later after being offended by Clarise's blunt questions, he starts to rattle off her history? Down to where she's from (West Virginia) and what perfume she is wearing and comments on her cheap shoes and what her ambition in life is? Then jabs her also just for his own perverse amusement. "Did this uncle, sodomize you? Make you perform fellatio?" Well, I think that having lived in Manhattan for 20+ years, I am getting to that point.

Khakis before Memorial Day. It's for the 'free range' bipeds.